It's been a while since Rachel broke up with me. I thought, since this was the third time, that I was used to it by now, but I guess I'm not. Before, I always assumed she would come back. IK never gave up on the notion that I was what she needed, and that I could help. I believed it was my ultimate purpose to save her, just like she saved me when I fell in love with her. It was a sign, I assumed. There was a grand meaning for my being in her life.
But this time, I knew it was different. I finally realized... Just because I mean well and am more than sincere, that doesn't mean I can fix anything. Once I realized I couldn't change anything... It was sort of hard for me to deal with. Breaking up with her, I was okay with that as long as she was happy, which is why I hadn't gotten upset before; but facing the truth that I didn't have some great, life-changing power, that was what upset me. I guess my pride was a lot more influential than I thought it was. But I really believed I was special in her life, not just to her, but in some big life order!
Well, I was special. Just like she saved me, I think I helped save her, too, just like I wanted to. Because she stopped cutting when we started dating. She struggled a lot, and I know sometimes she thought even my support wasn't enough... but I guess it was, because she's been clean for a year now. And that's something really special, and really important, but somehow..... I don't want my influence to end there. I didn't want to bring her life up to safety; I wanted to improve it past the point of contentment, and help her feel ultimate happiness. But I couldn't do that.
I guess I shouldn't complain--I mean, how could I? While still a bit unsteady, her life isn't in constant peril anymore; she may not have totally escaped her depression, but surely she sees a lot more happiness in her life. And I helped her reach that, I improved her life just by being beside her. And that's all I ever set out to do.
But I have realized that more often than not that many people come into your life to play one role, and when that role is done, they pass out of your life and take their importance with them, only leaving behind the lessons they helped you learn. And I feel life urging me away now. My role is through; it's up to someone else now to make her happy. I'm not sure I want it to be over, but I do know that it feels like the correct path now, and when I try to fight it, there's this discomfort.
After loving someone for so long, it becomes a lot more than just feelings toward a person; it becomes a part of you, too. It's part of my identity now: 'My name is Autumn, I have brown hair, I am an artist, I have a passion for teaching, I have my birthday in January, I am in love with Rachel.' Although I have been in and out of love more than once, it always feels criminal for an inherent part of my character to suddenly not be true anymore. I hate moving on. How could I have loved so sincerely and persistently for two years but just let go afterward? Couldn't I hold on forever, like I feel I should?
I used to imagine that I could never fall out of love with Rachel... This was special, much more special than any other time, because at least for a time it was mutual, and we created a deep, deep bond. I learned her inside and out, to the point where I could always tell what she was thinking and always understand her, even while I worried if she was hiding anything. We had a certain feel together, a new life. But now that I'm realizing the truth, and feeling life leading my ahead, I think that I'm actually beginning to move on. I'm not sure. But I think I'm letting go. (If my friends were to know, they would probably rejoice; that would hurt me dreadfully. Even if they hid their happiness, I would be able to tell.)
It's weird, feeling the loose, weightless freedom of not belonging to anyone or revolving around another person. I feel like there's nothing grounding me. But I think this is actually the right path, for once. I'm regaining what I lost when I was devoted to Rachel; I can find others attractive again, make jokes, think about the motives of others. That dire need for affection is lessening, at least a little. Still, I miss her; I miss all our happy memories.
We would sit together in a small, isolated corner on the top floor before a teacher this year told us we couldn't stay anymore (no one last year had said that; strange). I would often find every comfortable silence needing to be filled in order not to bore her (overthinking on my part), and would often go on and on about practically nothing. I would always worry I was boring her, but she would tell me,
"Don't worry; if I wanted to shut you up, I would kiss you."
And she did use that tacit a few times, but barely ever. She was much to considerate for that, and far
faithful. She always brought it up when I fretted over boring her. "You know how I would shut you up," she would say in a teasing manner.
It was really nice, like something out of a book. My days with her were always filled with magic and happiness, even in the midst of strife. I always knew what I wanted, and always knew my goal and my purpose. While the trails we faced were beyond difficult, life was easy. At least, living was. Each day couldn't come fast enough; I knew what I had to do and what I wanted accomplished. In contrast, the lethargy of now has managed to shake my foundation, but connecting myself with reality I've managed to create mental stability now.
For now, I have found enough small goals and improvement to hop between, at least until I find some greater purpose again. I can't live like Kate says and just live for the sake of reaching a new day; but for now, I'll be fine. I'm confident now. No more fear, no more tears, no more slips into depression.
I never would have learned any of this if not for Rachel. I guess she has played her part in my life as well; no matter what anyone says, I'll remember it all fondly, and refuse to take as anything but a life changing experience. In my heart of hearts, i know there will always be a part of me who still loves her, the one inside my memories; and that goes for the past two real loves as well. I will always love them in my reminisces. And that helps me move on and continue looking ahead and not behind at what I had, because I still have it. I haven't forgotten them. I'm just going where I will continue to grow.
I hope my next adventure is just as meaningful.
Life is good.
But this time, I knew it was different. I finally realized... Just because I mean well and am more than sincere, that doesn't mean I can fix anything. Once I realized I couldn't change anything... It was sort of hard for me to deal with. Breaking up with her, I was okay with that as long as she was happy, which is why I hadn't gotten upset before; but facing the truth that I didn't have some great, life-changing power, that was what upset me. I guess my pride was a lot more influential than I thought it was. But I really believed I was special in her life, not just to her, but in some big life order!
Well, I was special. Just like she saved me, I think I helped save her, too, just like I wanted to. Because she stopped cutting when we started dating. She struggled a lot, and I know sometimes she thought even my support wasn't enough... but I guess it was, because she's been clean for a year now. And that's something really special, and really important, but somehow..... I don't want my influence to end there. I didn't want to bring her life up to safety; I wanted to improve it past the point of contentment, and help her feel ultimate happiness. But I couldn't do that.
I guess I shouldn't complain--I mean, how could I? While still a bit unsteady, her life isn't in constant peril anymore; she may not have totally escaped her depression, but surely she sees a lot more happiness in her life. And I helped her reach that, I improved her life just by being beside her. And that's all I ever set out to do.
But I have realized that more often than not that many people come into your life to play one role, and when that role is done, they pass out of your life and take their importance with them, only leaving behind the lessons they helped you learn. And I feel life urging me away now. My role is through; it's up to someone else now to make her happy. I'm not sure I want it to be over, but I do know that it feels like the correct path now, and when I try to fight it, there's this discomfort.
After loving someone for so long, it becomes a lot more than just feelings toward a person; it becomes a part of you, too. It's part of my identity now: 'My name is Autumn, I have brown hair, I am an artist, I have a passion for teaching, I have my birthday in January, I am in love with Rachel.' Although I have been in and out of love more than once, it always feels criminal for an inherent part of my character to suddenly not be true anymore. I hate moving on. How could I have loved so sincerely and persistently for two years but just let go afterward? Couldn't I hold on forever, like I feel I should?
I used to imagine that I could never fall out of love with Rachel... This was special, much more special than any other time, because at least for a time it was mutual, and we created a deep, deep bond. I learned her inside and out, to the point where I could always tell what she was thinking and always understand her, even while I worried if she was hiding anything. We had a certain feel together, a new life. But now that I'm realizing the truth, and feeling life leading my ahead, I think that I'm actually beginning to move on. I'm not sure. But I think I'm letting go. (If my friends were to know, they would probably rejoice; that would hurt me dreadfully. Even if they hid their happiness, I would be able to tell.)
It's weird, feeling the loose, weightless freedom of not belonging to anyone or revolving around another person. I feel like there's nothing grounding me. But I think this is actually the right path, for once. I'm regaining what I lost when I was devoted to Rachel; I can find others attractive again, make jokes, think about the motives of others. That dire need for affection is lessening, at least a little. Still, I miss her; I miss all our happy memories.
We would sit together in a small, isolated corner on the top floor before a teacher this year told us we couldn't stay anymore (no one last year had said that; strange). I would often find every comfortable silence needing to be filled in order not to bore her (overthinking on my part), and would often go on and on about practically nothing. I would always worry I was boring her, but she would tell me,
"Don't worry; if I wanted to shut you up, I would kiss you."
And she did use that tacit a few times, but barely ever. She was much to considerate for that, and far
faithful. She always brought it up when I fretted over boring her. "You know how I would shut you up," she would say in a teasing manner.
It was really nice, like something out of a book. My days with her were always filled with magic and happiness, even in the midst of strife. I always knew what I wanted, and always knew my goal and my purpose. While the trails we faced were beyond difficult, life was easy. At least, living was. Each day couldn't come fast enough; I knew what I had to do and what I wanted accomplished. In contrast, the lethargy of now has managed to shake my foundation, but connecting myself with reality I've managed to create mental stability now.
For now, I have found enough small goals and improvement to hop between, at least until I find some greater purpose again. I can't live like Kate says and just live for the sake of reaching a new day; but for now, I'll be fine. I'm confident now. No more fear, no more tears, no more slips into depression.
I never would have learned any of this if not for Rachel. I guess she has played her part in my life as well; no matter what anyone says, I'll remember it all fondly, and refuse to take as anything but a life changing experience. In my heart of hearts, i know there will always be a part of me who still loves her, the one inside my memories; and that goes for the past two real loves as well. I will always love them in my reminisces. And that helps me move on and continue looking ahead and not behind at what I had, because I still have it. I haven't forgotten them. I'm just going where I will continue to grow.
I hope my next adventure is just as meaningful.
Life is good.
