I have thought about what happened during my sophomore year when I started dating Rachel. I realize in hindsight that while everyone saw us together, and both of us, in that way, came out together, Rachel was the only one to get teased and pushed around. I was not. She had harassment in class, was accused of messing around with all sorts of girls, made fun of, avoided, called names. I sat in my classes with my Bi Pride button and my incredibly blatant and loud talks about GLBTQIA+.
I think it was either because:
A) Honors students are a lot more open to stuff
Except for Rachel had a few of those classes and they still harassed her (although not as much, I believe). Also, on my bus most were non-honors students and all knew about me, but only two ever said anything, and while they made fun of her, they seemed to support me.
which means it is probably
B) I was liked and respected more.
And that is stupid. I hate how badly she was treated. It wasn't fair. It would be one thing if I was also getting talks. But it wasn't even that. They just hated her. And she was amazing. She IS amazing. I miss her. We haven't talked in forever.
Is the wedding still happening? Is everything okay? Is she out of the hospital? Is she okay? Is she happy? Is she still cutting? Is her workplace still terrible? Does she ever think about me? Will we ever talk again?
It used to be my meaning and way of life to take care of her and know everything about her and man I don't need that in my life anymore but I knew so much before and I still worry,
Sometimes I think about how after a while of being with Rachel, thinking and caring about her saved me from relapsing depressing that would have come after Julie and I felt emotionally stable enough to take off the finger ribbons I had been wearing for four years. That was a huge event for me, and I still remember it really fondly. She gave me new ribbons when I lost me special ones (I kept a few that I never used), gave me our matching ductape rings after I had gotten rid of the ribbons, and then when the rings came off continued to support me until I didn't even rub my fingers anymore.
I want a day like that with my gloves. One day my gloves will come off and I will never need them again. I don't know how many years it will take this time. It hasn't even been one year yet. I'm taking them to college with me. I probably won't be able to get rid of them without someone to help me through again--I doubt it's something I can do alone. And so far I haven't gotten any comments on the gloves--not any mean ones, anyway--and that is only because I'm well liked still, probably, and I wonder if that will continue in college. I wonder if Rebbie will be the one to help me this time.
I wonder, will I lose track of my friends like I lost track of Rachel? It only took distance and time. Will I lose these people I love? Who will stay? They're a lot more connected to the internet, bit still. I've known these people since I began truly living. I don't want to lose them, even to make new friends. Losing Izzy already made me question so many things, and Kate and I have had so many ups and downs....
Change. things change. Things change differently for different people depending who they are and where they are and even how they are. That is weird. Change is weird.
Change takes away girlfriends and harasses them but change also takes away finger ribbons and heals wounds.
Change is strange.
Life is good.
I think it was either because:
A) Honors students are a lot more open to stuff
Except for Rachel had a few of those classes and they still harassed her (although not as much, I believe). Also, on my bus most were non-honors students and all knew about me, but only two ever said anything, and while they made fun of her, they seemed to support me.
which means it is probably
B) I was liked and respected more.
And that is stupid. I hate how badly she was treated. It wasn't fair. It would be one thing if I was also getting talks. But it wasn't even that. They just hated her. And she was amazing. She IS amazing. I miss her. We haven't talked in forever.
Is the wedding still happening? Is everything okay? Is she out of the hospital? Is she okay? Is she happy? Is she still cutting? Is her workplace still terrible? Does she ever think about me? Will we ever talk again?
It used to be my meaning and way of life to take care of her and know everything about her and man I don't need that in my life anymore but I knew so much before and I still worry,
Sometimes I think about how after a while of being with Rachel, thinking and caring about her saved me from relapsing depressing that would have come after Julie and I felt emotionally stable enough to take off the finger ribbons I had been wearing for four years. That was a huge event for me, and I still remember it really fondly. She gave me new ribbons when I lost me special ones (I kept a few that I never used), gave me our matching ductape rings after I had gotten rid of the ribbons, and then when the rings came off continued to support me until I didn't even rub my fingers anymore.
I want a day like that with my gloves. One day my gloves will come off and I will never need them again. I don't know how many years it will take this time. It hasn't even been one year yet. I'm taking them to college with me. I probably won't be able to get rid of them without someone to help me through again--I doubt it's something I can do alone. And so far I haven't gotten any comments on the gloves--not any mean ones, anyway--and that is only because I'm well liked still, probably, and I wonder if that will continue in college. I wonder if Rebbie will be the one to help me this time.
I wonder, will I lose track of my friends like I lost track of Rachel? It only took distance and time. Will I lose these people I love? Who will stay? They're a lot more connected to the internet, bit still. I've known these people since I began truly living. I don't want to lose them, even to make new friends. Losing Izzy already made me question so many things, and Kate and I have had so many ups and downs....
Change. things change. Things change differently for different people depending who they are and where they are and even how they are. That is weird. Change is weird.
Change takes away girlfriends and harasses them but change also takes away finger ribbons and heals wounds.
Change is strange.
Life is good.
No comments:
Post a Comment