I'm Fine

 I keep on remembering this poem I wrote in 2013. I think I actually write is in 2012, but I didn't think it was good and hid it away as a scrap. Then I rediscovered it, loved it, and put it up. I used it for poetry reading. And I come back to it, time and time again. Roughly two years later, it still sounds so accurate. (It also includes how I felt when Kate and I were growing apart--strange how I keep coming back to that. It also talks about how I found out Tyra had self harm problems.)

My friend, I know, has joined me now
As each day, we count another night
Further from that death
And each day, I break a bit more
But I also become much, much stronger
So no need to worry, I'll be fine.

I hope you never become one of us
Waiting for our hearts to heal
Standing in bands of broken soldiers
Keeping our chins up
So the enemy thinks we're strong
And the ally believes we aren't weak.

It doesn't matter how many prayers I whisper to God
In harsh, shaking gasps at the window pane
And it certainly doesn't make a difference
What I write inside these pages
So all the little hints I drop, with forced smiles
And shaking laughter-
Ignore them, I'll be fine.

Your distant warmth and promises that you cared
I can only hold onto memories and believe they still apply
Having no right to doubt your heart, I try
But it's hard to hold on when you create walls
And those walls are flat, polished, reflective
Where am I supposed to grasp onto?
How can I survive near you?
When the only glimpses I catch are sad, shallow smiles?

Oh, but now things have changed
Slowly, I'm regaining my grip on reality
And taking my fate into my own hands
See, how she laughs with me now, and my chest bursts with joy?
I smile internally multiples of before, when the world didn't tremor
Without purpose, I'll wander aimlessly,
Hoping I can convince myself that searching is my 'reason'
And that I'm not just searching in circles where you stood---
But see, at least I have my efforts back
Worry not, I'll be fine.

I'm leaving behind the past me, who accepts everything
--that's what I say while taking steps forward,
My past self clinging to my shirt sleeve like a lost soul.
There's no way I could dispose of something so pitiful
She represents my hope, and hope is so hard to do away with
Though I've told myself the truth time and time again
It rolls around in my head like a stone that doesn't exist.

But see, I have people who care
They hold me and smile sweet, grand grins
And float about like doting parents.
They say kind words with sincere expressions
So sincere I would never want to worry them, or disappoint
So I'll tell them that I have gotten over that pesky problem
The one they never agreed with
But saying so is the first step toward making it a reality
So don't cast your eyes here, I'm fine.

Just like I'll always be fine.
Just like I have been forever.
I'm too good to struggle.
And as you know and loved,
I'm too good to fall.

Life is good.