My Relationship

I think, slowly, carefully, I am figuring this out.
She probably never loved me. No, wait. She did love me. But it wasn't the way I loved her. It was a different love. And if she loved me before, she probably doesn't love me now. But she cares about me, very very much, and she know I love her.
I think she's scared. She's scared of me. Because I accept her and her every fault and she just doesn't know why, she can't understand why. Because she's sure she doesn't deserve love. She thinks she doesn't deserve trust, deserve acceptance. She can't understand how I could possibly love someone like her, someone so demented and wrong, when I'm seemingly so loving. I think she told me that, once. But overall, she can't imagine it, can't accept it, and she doesn't want to face the raelity she has to accept herself.
I've been telling her that since the first day we broke up, months ago, so long ago. The reason she broke up in the the first place is because she didn't think she was loveable, I told her, and the only way to fix it was to realize she was loveable. And she nodded, and told me, that was probably true. We were walking then, around and around, after she told me we had to break up.
There's been a sort of pattern in our relationship, I think. She always has to do something to disrupt us, to hurt us, and then she feels so so guilty, and she wants to break it off. I think I finally know why that is.
I'm not sure if it's conscious or not, but I think she's trying to hurt me. To disappoint me. To make me give up on her. That way, she can feel terrible and reassure herself she isn't worth anything, and she can give up on herself. Finally let herself slip.
She probably never wanted the kind of relationship we had. I remember last year, she told me that she liked bad boys. I remember being a bit put off by that. But she was sort of crazy back then.
I think she always wanted a relationship with that bad boy. Someone who could toss her around, and treat her like crap, but still be in a relationship and own her. So she could 'get what she deserved', but still hold onto that dream of love she's always had.
I'm anything but a bad boy. I'm the snuggle-cuddle-until-you-suffocate type. I gave her a dozen red roses on Valentines. I walked her to the bus everyday and met her at her locker, and ran to each of her classes every hour. I gave her smiles and a hand to hold, and I sang love ballads with words just for her. I helped set up a picnic on our anniversery.
She never wanted that. She smiled, she was so, so happy, but she never wanted to be happy. She wanted to be beaten down. But she could use me for that too.
So she cheated on me when I was gone for Spring break. And agonized over it the entire time, and kept calling me, and basically ignored all my orders to calm down. She had to feel guilty. She was guilty. And she wanted to one who loved her most, who would never do a thing to her hurt, to become angry. But I wasn't angry. I realized it was a lapse in judgement, told her I forgave her, I loved her, and that we could try again.
In a week though, she couldn't take it. She told me we had to break up. She felt too guilty. I plead, but in the end, we discussed it and I told her we probably weren't ready anyway. It was too soon.
The following weeks, I was on pins and needles. How did one act when one broke up? Could I still hold her hand? Could I tell her I loved her? Turns out, after I got the courage to ask, I could do all of those things. Lips were sealed, but fingers were intertwined, and for a while I just tried to be as helpful and supportive to her as I could. And then, one day, she begged me to take her back. I had a good talk with her. I accepted her. She cheated on me with the same guy the next day, told me, and then a few days later admitted the love she felt was platonic.
And somehow, through it all, I kept loving her, and needing her, and willing to do anything for her. I think it might have scared her a bit. And for a while she was scared of me leaving her, even though we weren't dating anymore, she would freak if I said we 'were' dating, we 'had' a song, et cetera. But I wasn't there to protect her and comfort her every day, since it was summer. At first I would visit her every once in a while. Then she got a bit distant. Then she apparently got 'engaged' to her 'boyfriend' I've never heard of, that I'm pretty sure she doesn't love because she would have made a huge deal, that probably was one of the guys that knocked her up a month ago. Now she isn't answering any of my messages. I tell her we should talk, I have some doubts I want to talk to her about, I love her, I want to talk. I know she's seen them. I don't want to send any more messages in case I just scare her off.
My question I wanted to ask was, 'should I just give up?'
But I think now I know the answer. She's doing this because she knows it will hurt me. And for the first time, she's succeeding. She's breaking me down, and making me want to give up. But I love her. And even if she doesn't love me, never loved me, I am exactly what she needed since the beginning.
And I won't give up until she knows she's capable of being loved, or until I'm absolutely sure there's someone who cares about her even more than I do. She needs a friend to teach her that, and I don't think my job is done yet. I believe God brought us together so I could do this, and I'm the only one who can. That's why i went through my depression, that's why we met, that's why she, at least for a while, began to fall in love with me, and that's why I fell for her. I believe God put me through this, he made me bi, he made me depressed, and he made me love, so I could forgive her for every thing she thinks she did, and love her.
And I do. I forgive her. I love her. And I won't stop trying to teach her that, in my own way.
Life is good.