I remember, during the school year, I drafted many intelligent entries for this blog. Many topics, with nice, eloquent wording and whatnot. I have forgotten them. But here's a few things I think about sometimes. (Warning: probably extremely long word count. You can like, read snippets or something.)
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When I was a kid, it was nearly impossible to believe in heaven. It wasn't due to the fact that I wasn't religious, though I wasn't, not at all. But just the possibility seemed unthinkable. It's still quite difficult for me to imagine. To die, but live on, with God. I can't image continue living when your life is done. It seems like that time would be meaningless then. Truly, I think every moment of your life, and every event, is planned perfectly so you lived the best you could before you die. That's one of the reasons I don't fear death. So what purpose would there be in continuing to live, when you've already gone through each lesson and event needed to really fulfill you? That's also one of the reasons I am afraid of dying. I don't want to miss out on any of it.
Instead, as a kid, I chose to have a different theory. I decided that life, and all that we were in currently, was like a videotape. There never was any past. There will never be a future. All of those are just fabricated ideas made for this sandbox we are exploring. World War I is just something in books. The pilgrims never existed, and certainly never found America. All of those are just things made so we believe we have a past. And when we die, our children won't go on living. They'll disappear, because their lives were fabrications as well. 'The world ends with you', one may say.
And then, when we die, our life would just be rewound, and we would live it all over again. And this would keep happening. Time would not move past our life span. It would just be our life. Over and over and over. While a bunch of large deities just watch, in a dimly lit room, and ponder.
Of course, I don't believe in this theory anymore. I know too much about life to think so. I know other people aren't just fabrications, but they are real people with thoughts and lives. They won't end when I do. And I know from grandparents and wise elders that the past is real and true. So I can't possibly believe in my little 'life is a tape' theory. I'm still not sure if I can believe in heaven, either.
Probably, we fade away. Just, leave. Black. And maybe, see through the eyes of another life, while our death makes an impact in someone else's life, and changes their course.
Yeah, that's probably the closest thing to what I believe right now.
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It's kind of hard to be bummed about just one person, when you realize just how many people love you. I've realized that. Mostly angsting over my ex-girlfriend, of course. Who else? But this was for a reason, too. When I just think of all the people around me, I'm just... So happy. So thankful. So faithful. And when I think about my entire life, it's really hard to be dissapointed.
It's actually sort of odd, how my life has turned out. I was depressed for... two years? Two and a half? From the summer of seventh grade until around the middle of ninth. Those were some of the most terrifying years of my entire life. I was constantly afraid. I was always walking on needles. Always in pain. Always afraid of dying. There was one point, during Cinderella, I felt kike like I actually was going to die. I felt my body trying to throw me off the elevated platform. It probably wouldn't have even killed me if I fell, but at that moment, the knowledge that I couldn't even control myself had me shaking for most of the night.
And yet... I look back on those years, and I am nothing but happy for them. In fact, I think depression may have been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. And I give God full credit for it.
That depression changed me so much. Sure, it was an injection of overwhelming fear into my veins, but during that time I learned to open my heart to people and make new friends with much deeper bonds, I learned to mature from a kid to a slightly-smarter kid, I learn to have empathy. I got bounds of inspiration from it all, I learned to stay away from pain, I found God in my struggles, and also learned how to help people with depression. I think that's one of the main reasons I became depressed. It was so I could learn a vital skill for my life, and I am so so thankful for it. It helped me find Rachel.
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I'll write more later. For now...
Life is good.
---
When I was a kid, it was nearly impossible to believe in heaven. It wasn't due to the fact that I wasn't religious, though I wasn't, not at all. But just the possibility seemed unthinkable. It's still quite difficult for me to imagine. To die, but live on, with God. I can't image continue living when your life is done. It seems like that time would be meaningless then. Truly, I think every moment of your life, and every event, is planned perfectly so you lived the best you could before you die. That's one of the reasons I don't fear death. So what purpose would there be in continuing to live, when you've already gone through each lesson and event needed to really fulfill you? That's also one of the reasons I am afraid of dying. I don't want to miss out on any of it.
Instead, as a kid, I chose to have a different theory. I decided that life, and all that we were in currently, was like a videotape. There never was any past. There will never be a future. All of those are just fabricated ideas made for this sandbox we are exploring. World War I is just something in books. The pilgrims never existed, and certainly never found America. All of those are just things made so we believe we have a past. And when we die, our children won't go on living. They'll disappear, because their lives were fabrications as well. 'The world ends with you', one may say.
And then, when we die, our life would just be rewound, and we would live it all over again. And this would keep happening. Time would not move past our life span. It would just be our life. Over and over and over. While a bunch of large deities just watch, in a dimly lit room, and ponder.
Of course, I don't believe in this theory anymore. I know too much about life to think so. I know other people aren't just fabrications, but they are real people with thoughts and lives. They won't end when I do. And I know from grandparents and wise elders that the past is real and true. So I can't possibly believe in my little 'life is a tape' theory. I'm still not sure if I can believe in heaven, either.
Probably, we fade away. Just, leave. Black. And maybe, see through the eyes of another life, while our death makes an impact in someone else's life, and changes their course.
Yeah, that's probably the closest thing to what I believe right now.
------
It's kind of hard to be bummed about just one person, when you realize just how many people love you. I've realized that. Mostly angsting over my ex-girlfriend, of course. Who else? But this was for a reason, too. When I just think of all the people around me, I'm just... So happy. So thankful. So faithful. And when I think about my entire life, it's really hard to be dissapointed.
It's actually sort of odd, how my life has turned out. I was depressed for... two years? Two and a half? From the summer of seventh grade until around the middle of ninth. Those were some of the most terrifying years of my entire life. I was constantly afraid. I was always walking on needles. Always in pain. Always afraid of dying. There was one point, during Cinderella, I felt kike like I actually was going to die. I felt my body trying to throw me off the elevated platform. It probably wouldn't have even killed me if I fell, but at that moment, the knowledge that I couldn't even control myself had me shaking for most of the night.
And yet... I look back on those years, and I am nothing but happy for them. In fact, I think depression may have been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. And I give God full credit for it.
That depression changed me so much. Sure, it was an injection of overwhelming fear into my veins, but during that time I learned to open my heart to people and make new friends with much deeper bonds, I learned to mature from a kid to a slightly-smarter kid, I learn to have empathy. I got bounds of inspiration from it all, I learned to stay away from pain, I found God in my struggles, and also learned how to help people with depression. I think that's one of the main reasons I became depressed. It was so I could learn a vital skill for my life, and I am so so thankful for it. It helped me find Rachel.
------
I'll write more later. For now...
Life is good.
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