This would be a pretty damn terrible way to check up on me, seeing as I only update it maybe once a year or more (if that), and go through multiple phases in my life before I touch this. Each writing is a bit more outdated than the last. It will never really serve to teach anyone anything about me. But I am realizing this and figuring out it's a good thing. I never meant for anyone to read these, anyway. It's not like I've been explaining my little code words or references to events. This has been a way of explaining myself to me. Because I figure things out as I talk about them. So, this has never meant to serve others.... it only serves me. It serves my need to think and vent. And today, I need to vent.
I'm tired, I messed up my sleep schedule, and got to that point where I keep on wanting to say stuff that's stupid, so instead of saying it, I'll type it hear, where I don;t need to worry about embarassing myself. But just as a reference to future me, this post is a few months after I started using my gloves to stop the scratching. I am wearing them even as I type this.
Now, for those silly words in my head to finally be said so that I can sleep.
---
i.
How stupid is it that I would literally scream it to the entire world, but the one person I can't tell is you?
ii.
I don't think of myself as a 'girly' type, even though I definitely identify as a girl. I mean, i have my feelings, and I grow weak for romance stories, and I love cute things and whatnot, but I'm not your standard highschool girl. I don't wear makeup or search for clothes, I don't go to prom or post song lyrics as a status update....
But sometimes I want to run outside in my prettiest dress, and make myself small and curl into a ball, and cry until my face is red and say,
"I want to be your princess."
iii.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I love you so much I could die.
iv.
I keep holding onto these depressing thoughts, even though I have this life filled with happiness and joy and miracles and God and safety and security. And yet, I cling to these feeling of suffering--yes, I do have real problems, serious problems, but they aren't that bad, they aren't life threatening, so I don't have much of a right to keep in the 'troubled girl' mantra.
And yet, I do. Because I'm terrified of who I'll be when I'm not disturbed. Because there won't be any reason of you to take care of me. There won't be any reason to pay special attention of keep me close. There won't be anything obligating you to watch over me. You could leave. You could finally let go. But I'll still need you, even if I don't need help.
I'm not special anymore once I'm not depressed. I'm not worthy of your love.
I need someone to tell me that I'm important even when I'm not broken.
I need someone to tel me I'm important even when I'm 'normal'.
Why is it that others fear for not being wanted when they're living dead, but I'm terrified of being unwanted and normal?
I need someone to tell me I'm wanted even when I don't need to be loved.
v.
Am I okay?
Oh, my precious dear, my precious dear....
There is never a second that I'm not breaking.
I am breaking more with every single moment.
iv.
Did you know?
I call everyone 'dear', but I only call the one I love 'darling'.
-----------
...I'll never have the courage to tell her any of these things. I'll go on being silent until I die.
Damn it.
----
Life is good.
I'm tired, I messed up my sleep schedule, and got to that point where I keep on wanting to say stuff that's stupid, so instead of saying it, I'll type it hear, where I don;t need to worry about embarassing myself. But just as a reference to future me, this post is a few months after I started using my gloves to stop the scratching. I am wearing them even as I type this.
Now, for those silly words in my head to finally be said so that I can sleep.
---
i.
How stupid is it that I would literally scream it to the entire world, but the one person I can't tell is you?
ii.
I don't think of myself as a 'girly' type, even though I definitely identify as a girl. I mean, i have my feelings, and I grow weak for romance stories, and I love cute things and whatnot, but I'm not your standard highschool girl. I don't wear makeup or search for clothes, I don't go to prom or post song lyrics as a status update....
But sometimes I want to run outside in my prettiest dress, and make myself small and curl into a ball, and cry until my face is red and say,
"I want to be your princess."
iii.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I love you so much I could die.
iv.
I keep holding onto these depressing thoughts, even though I have this life filled with happiness and joy and miracles and God and safety and security. And yet, I cling to these feeling of suffering--yes, I do have real problems, serious problems, but they aren't that bad, they aren't life threatening, so I don't have much of a right to keep in the 'troubled girl' mantra.
And yet, I do. Because I'm terrified of who I'll be when I'm not disturbed. Because there won't be any reason of you to take care of me. There won't be any reason to pay special attention of keep me close. There won't be anything obligating you to watch over me. You could leave. You could finally let go. But I'll still need you, even if I don't need help.
I'm not special anymore once I'm not depressed. I'm not worthy of your love.
I need someone to tell me that I'm important even when I'm not broken.
I need someone to tel me I'm important even when I'm 'normal'.
Why is it that others fear for not being wanted when they're living dead, but I'm terrified of being unwanted and normal?
I need someone to tell me I'm wanted even when I don't need to be loved.
v.
Am I okay?
Oh, my precious dear, my precious dear....
There is never a second that I'm not breaking.
I am breaking more with every single moment.
iv.
Did you know?
I call everyone 'dear', but I only call the one I love 'darling'.
-----------
...I'll never have the courage to tell her any of these things. I'll go on being silent until I die.
Damn it.
----
Life is good.
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