I have been so scared all week.
Dad sent me angry messages sometime last week about my grades, saying that if I got a C in any of my classes this semester I would be taken out of college to join the workforce. I wasn't planning on getting any Cs, but suddenly the fear was everywhere, and I could not stop thinking about it. I was terrified and the anxiety was high.
Then this Monday I found that my friend from dA, Anarchy, had terminated her account with thoughts of finally committing to her suicide plans. It was an old message from the weekend. I had no idea whether she was alive. We had only known eachother for a month or two, but we had become friends. I thought she was like me, filled with suicidal thoughts but lacking the courage to go through with them. Apparently I was wrong.
She was only 14. 14 years old! I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. Studying for finals was impossible, I was listless, the number 14 rolling through my head, unable to think of anything else. I bore an immense grief in my chest but had no idea whether I was meant to mourn or not. I had no way of contacting her to see whether she had actually attempted or not. For all I knew she was in a hospital, or uninjured in bed, or dead. At 14 years old. Suicide.
Today was my last final. I got a decent score, and afterwards went to check in with the professor. IT turns out many assignments I thought were optional were actually mandatory--I was currently at a C and I had hours worth of quizzes and short essay assignments to do by midnight if I hoped to stay in college. Last night my neighbors were partying until 1 AM so I have barely had any sleep, and I was planning on napping after the final. But now I will be cramming homework until midnight. And doing that again tomorrow. And trying to secretly cram over winter break without my parents finding out. And hope I can raise my grade to a B.
So here I am, getting ready to cram, an in a last resort of my sanity I check dA, just like I have done periodically every day since Anarchy's suicide threat, to see whether she was back. But this time, she was.
Anarchy's alive. She had thought about committing, but did not do it. She is alive. She is not dead. I can breathe again.
I am crying from relief and I am just so glad. I am so glad she's alive. And while that is a weight off my chest, I wonder whether it will help me focus on this work--if anything, I want to go into the streets and celebrate, or at least rest my eyes in a finally peaceful dream. Yet I do not have even that luxury. Still, I am glad. I am giving myself this one short reprieve to write and rest, before I dive into this homework hell.
I am so overcome with emotion I am not sure how I will manage to concentrate, but I'm just. So hopeful. So thankful.
Life is good.
Dad sent me angry messages sometime last week about my grades, saying that if I got a C in any of my classes this semester I would be taken out of college to join the workforce. I wasn't planning on getting any Cs, but suddenly the fear was everywhere, and I could not stop thinking about it. I was terrified and the anxiety was high.
Then this Monday I found that my friend from dA, Anarchy, had terminated her account with thoughts of finally committing to her suicide plans. It was an old message from the weekend. I had no idea whether she was alive. We had only known eachother for a month or two, but we had become friends. I thought she was like me, filled with suicidal thoughts but lacking the courage to go through with them. Apparently I was wrong.
She was only 14. 14 years old! I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. Studying for finals was impossible, I was listless, the number 14 rolling through my head, unable to think of anything else. I bore an immense grief in my chest but had no idea whether I was meant to mourn or not. I had no way of contacting her to see whether she had actually attempted or not. For all I knew she was in a hospital, or uninjured in bed, or dead. At 14 years old. Suicide.
Today was my last final. I got a decent score, and afterwards went to check in with the professor. IT turns out many assignments I thought were optional were actually mandatory--I was currently at a C and I had hours worth of quizzes and short essay assignments to do by midnight if I hoped to stay in college. Last night my neighbors were partying until 1 AM so I have barely had any sleep, and I was planning on napping after the final. But now I will be cramming homework until midnight. And doing that again tomorrow. And trying to secretly cram over winter break without my parents finding out. And hope I can raise my grade to a B.
So here I am, getting ready to cram, an in a last resort of my sanity I check dA, just like I have done periodically every day since Anarchy's suicide threat, to see whether she was back. But this time, she was.
Anarchy's alive. She had thought about committing, but did not do it. She is alive. She is not dead. I can breathe again.
I am crying from relief and I am just so glad. I am so glad she's alive. And while that is a weight off my chest, I wonder whether it will help me focus on this work--if anything, I want to go into the streets and celebrate, or at least rest my eyes in a finally peaceful dream. Yet I do not have even that luxury. Still, I am glad. I am giving myself this one short reprieve to write and rest, before I dive into this homework hell.
I am so overcome with emotion I am not sure how I will manage to concentrate, but I'm just. So hopeful. So thankful.
Life is good.
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