I always joked about how glad I was that Minnesota had legalized gay marriage. That was because it would almost force Beck to move here, since Louisiana still has a way to go. I've always known where my roots were stuck--I've never dreamed of leaving Minnesota. My dream job is my old elementary school; I've vocalized how I want to move into what is currently my mother's house and keep it in the family. I love Minnesota. It's my home, with its Savage Sunsets and Minnesota nice. All the cold winters and blazing summers in the world couldn't change that.
And Beck is okay with that. I love to bring up the future with them (I think about our future far too much, far in advance), and we've talked about how I want to always live here. And we have also talked about how Louisiana is not so great. At all. In the least. I mean, great food, but trash people (from a racial and sexual orientation-openness point of view). So I always thought, no problems! Everything works out perfectly.
But recently I've been wondering whether it's quite so simple. Beck is 20 now, and honestly, I'd love the idea of them moving out (though I realize it isn't my decision to make. But I am, as always, overthinking everything). The environment they live in is not exactly the most healthy. Luckily they live mostly with their mother, since their father is pretty toxic at times. Their mother is a lovely, wonderful woman from what I know of her (I dream of meeting her someday and giving her a hug), but recently things haven't been so good for her. Problems with alcohol have been coming up more and more frequently and she's been sent to the hospital a few times. It's getting so bad that Camille and Beck once mentioned possibly going to live with their father again, which is a no-no. And the stress and guilt from beck, their mother, and at times Camille seems to feed off into each other and cause all these break downs.
I cannot say I can understand it fully, being so removed from it all, but I know life is hard there. Super hard. And I am repeatedly amazed at how Beck continues to push through and keep moving forward. I am so proud of them. I am so incredibly proud. Few people are as strong as my partner.
But I wish they didn't have to go through that. Again, I like the idea of Beck moving out from their parents, and living somewhere a bit more removed from the near-constant string of hardships and struggles. But Beck isn't dependent yet, and neither am I. I urge myself to get a little more world-savvy each day, but I won't be at that level for quite some time. It will be years before we are living out the oft discussed fantasy of a cat-filled apartment together.
But now, even if that apartment becomes a reality, I wonder. I wonder if I should really rip them from their family and their home. They've voiced acceptance, but now I wonder if I do.... The family has a lot of problems, and it makes the atmosphere unhealthy, but it also means they have to be supported. I want to support Beck's mother. And I know Beck absolutely adores their sister. If we were to remove ourselves from their lives, it wouldn't make the bad thongs happening there stop--but it would mean that Beck would be getting phone calls, time and time again, of the new struggles their family is going through. And I think Beck would probably feel bad not being there, unable to help. Unable to look out for them. I know I would take it hard, and Beck usually feels sympathy far more strongly than I do (which I love even when it worries me).
So if we were to leave Louisiana, it would almost be like leaving the rest of the Moutons for dead. Or at least, being too far to come running to their aid. And that makes me nervous. But at the same time, I don't think I could live in Louisiana. And I want to support my parents into old age--and no way in hell would either of them come to Louisiana.
I know these are Beck's decisions to make, not mine. It's pretty damn impertinent of me to even think about it. But I am just so serious about them. I want to spend the rest of my life with them. So I can't help but think far ahead into the future. What's the right choice? Is it better to stay in Lousiana, or get away from there as fast as possible? Would it be healthier, or worse? I know these are ultimately Beck's decisions to make, and I don't care to bring up the topic yet. It's far, far too early to be worrying about this.
Maybe things will be clearer once they stay in my house for a few days and lives a while in my life. Will they be happy? Will they start wanting a life like that? Beck has already mentioned living with Jordan in Minnesota once before, I believe, so maybe I'm worrying about nothing?
One day, when it becomes more realistic, I'll bring it up with them and talk about it. Until then, I should put it away for a while and enjoy the relationship we have now. There's no need to rush. After all, for now at least, we aren't going anywhere.
Life is good.
And Beck is okay with that. I love to bring up the future with them (I think about our future far too much, far in advance), and we've talked about how I want to always live here. And we have also talked about how Louisiana is not so great. At all. In the least. I mean, great food, but trash people (from a racial and sexual orientation-openness point of view). So I always thought, no problems! Everything works out perfectly.
But recently I've been wondering whether it's quite so simple. Beck is 20 now, and honestly, I'd love the idea of them moving out (though I realize it isn't my decision to make. But I am, as always, overthinking everything). The environment they live in is not exactly the most healthy. Luckily they live mostly with their mother, since their father is pretty toxic at times. Their mother is a lovely, wonderful woman from what I know of her (I dream of meeting her someday and giving her a hug), but recently things haven't been so good for her. Problems with alcohol have been coming up more and more frequently and she's been sent to the hospital a few times. It's getting so bad that Camille and Beck once mentioned possibly going to live with their father again, which is a no-no. And the stress and guilt from beck, their mother, and at times Camille seems to feed off into each other and cause all these break downs.
I cannot say I can understand it fully, being so removed from it all, but I know life is hard there. Super hard. And I am repeatedly amazed at how Beck continues to push through and keep moving forward. I am so proud of them. I am so incredibly proud. Few people are as strong as my partner.
But I wish they didn't have to go through that. Again, I like the idea of Beck moving out from their parents, and living somewhere a bit more removed from the near-constant string of hardships and struggles. But Beck isn't dependent yet, and neither am I. I urge myself to get a little more world-savvy each day, but I won't be at that level for quite some time. It will be years before we are living out the oft discussed fantasy of a cat-filled apartment together.
But now, even if that apartment becomes a reality, I wonder. I wonder if I should really rip them from their family and their home. They've voiced acceptance, but now I wonder if I do.... The family has a lot of problems, and it makes the atmosphere unhealthy, but it also means they have to be supported. I want to support Beck's mother. And I know Beck absolutely adores their sister. If we were to remove ourselves from their lives, it wouldn't make the bad thongs happening there stop--but it would mean that Beck would be getting phone calls, time and time again, of the new struggles their family is going through. And I think Beck would probably feel bad not being there, unable to help. Unable to look out for them. I know I would take it hard, and Beck usually feels sympathy far more strongly than I do (which I love even when it worries me).
So if we were to leave Louisiana, it would almost be like leaving the rest of the Moutons for dead. Or at least, being too far to come running to their aid. And that makes me nervous. But at the same time, I don't think I could live in Louisiana. And I want to support my parents into old age--and no way in hell would either of them come to Louisiana.
I know these are Beck's decisions to make, not mine. It's pretty damn impertinent of me to even think about it. But I am just so serious about them. I want to spend the rest of my life with them. So I can't help but think far ahead into the future. What's the right choice? Is it better to stay in Lousiana, or get away from there as fast as possible? Would it be healthier, or worse? I know these are ultimately Beck's decisions to make, and I don't care to bring up the topic yet. It's far, far too early to be worrying about this.
Maybe things will be clearer once they stay in my house for a few days and lives a while in my life. Will they be happy? Will they start wanting a life like that? Beck has already mentioned living with Jordan in Minnesota once before, I believe, so maybe I'm worrying about nothing?
One day, when it becomes more realistic, I'll bring it up with them and talk about it. Until then, I should put it away for a while and enjoy the relationship we have now. There's no need to rush. After all, for now at least, we aren't going anywhere.
Life is good.
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