I've been tired for weeks now. Maybe even months--I don't know, I don't know. I've felt dead for days. It keeps getting worse. I want to close my eyes and never wake up. Getting out of bed is hard. And while I've been giving myself 8 hours of sleep for years (mostly because I know that tiredness hits me hard and brutally), it no longer helps. I am constantly tired. And it's been messing with my head. Really badly.
I think that's why I keep willing cars to hit me. It's been bad since college started.
I've been taken naps--I never was good at it before. Now it's becoming second nature. I fall into them effortlessly. But I never feel any more refreshed. I wake up from one nap only to desperately crave another. Night can never come fast enough.
I haven't fallen asleep in public yet, but once I've been close. It's worse when I stay up, even if the amount of sleep I get stays the same. And my head. My thoughts. Are so messed up. My belt looks more like a noose every day. My skin feels more and more appetizing. I'm hungry, I'm so hungry for flesh. Gloves make me sleep better. So much better. I need my wrists constrained to feel normal.
It's deranged.
I desperately want it to go away, but everything I've done so far hasn't helped.I've been trying to look it up, but mostly I just get results for depression and anxiety. My depression has never been better, and while I do have anxiety, I feel like if I hadn't had these problems before, there's no reason for it to appear now. Other things that have come up is allergies (Deeh's perfume?), anemia (don't think so), and being woken in my sleep. The last one seems most plausible to me, since I often wake up with my gloves strewn across my room. And that never happened before college. Deeh hasn't mentioned anything about it, and I don't know how to bring it up. Maybe I should, though.
I'm worried about her own college habits, too. She has scary posters on her wall. Pictures that have haunting resemblance to all those anorexia examples I saw during my research on eating disorders. I want to help her, but I have no idea whether I'm in a position too. I'm not even certain if I'm right. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm thinking I should visit the Boyton Health Center, ask some questions. Maybe about Deeh, but mostly about myself. I wouldn't even be opposed to getting a prescription. At this point, I just really, really want to rid myself of my fatigue. I want to remove this exhaustion.
I want to die, but we'll get through that. Because I want to live so, so much more.
(I can't wait for Rebbie to visit. I can't wait to fall asleep in their arms. I can't wait, I feel like maybe once I'm cuddle up in bed with them pressed into my arms, I'll finally feel rested. Or, at the very least, I won't mind being tired.)
Life is good.
I think that's why I keep willing cars to hit me. It's been bad since college started.
I've been taken naps--I never was good at it before. Now it's becoming second nature. I fall into them effortlessly. But I never feel any more refreshed. I wake up from one nap only to desperately crave another. Night can never come fast enough.
I haven't fallen asleep in public yet, but once I've been close. It's worse when I stay up, even if the amount of sleep I get stays the same. And my head. My thoughts. Are so messed up. My belt looks more like a noose every day. My skin feels more and more appetizing. I'm hungry, I'm so hungry for flesh. Gloves make me sleep better. So much better. I need my wrists constrained to feel normal.
It's deranged.
I desperately want it to go away, but everything I've done so far hasn't helped.I've been trying to look it up, but mostly I just get results for depression and anxiety. My depression has never been better, and while I do have anxiety, I feel like if I hadn't had these problems before, there's no reason for it to appear now. Other things that have come up is allergies (Deeh's perfume?), anemia (don't think so), and being woken in my sleep. The last one seems most plausible to me, since I often wake up with my gloves strewn across my room. And that never happened before college. Deeh hasn't mentioned anything about it, and I don't know how to bring it up. Maybe I should, though.
I'm worried about her own college habits, too. She has scary posters on her wall. Pictures that have haunting resemblance to all those anorexia examples I saw during my research on eating disorders. I want to help her, but I have no idea whether I'm in a position too. I'm not even certain if I'm right. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm thinking I should visit the Boyton Health Center, ask some questions. Maybe about Deeh, but mostly about myself. I wouldn't even be opposed to getting a prescription. At this point, I just really, really want to rid myself of my fatigue. I want to remove this exhaustion.
I want to die, but we'll get through that. Because I want to live so, so much more.
(I can't wait for Rebbie to visit. I can't wait to fall asleep in their arms. I can't wait, I feel like maybe once I'm cuddle up in bed with them pressed into my arms, I'll finally feel rested. Or, at the very least, I won't mind being tired.)
Life is good.
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