because I keep thinking I jumped the gun. And that, when I do feel singular, that all my past feelings are invalid. So I'm make myself a list to remind myself why I even started researching pluralities in the first place.
Life is good.
- You can't remember a lot of what life was like at home since around middle school/elementary school. You remember all those bike rides to the willow tree throughout middle school, which an old notebook informed you was your way of avoiding the house (you thought you just liked bike rides????). You remember summers spent with dad. You remember, sometimes, the excessive dissociation on first arriving home & homework/picking, and you remember nights with twin, but what else you did at home outside of your room is fuzzy. It is almost like your memory is missing.
- You can't remember when John moved in. When mom started living in the house. It just suddenly happened. They say trauma causing DID usually happens from 6-9 years old, and you have no way of knowing if that happened. Either way, you have bits of memory from what John did. It wasn't good.
- During middle school, you were dissociating a lot. A lot. AT least 6 hours every day. You thought a monster was controlling your limbs. You had frequent out of body experiences. You floated above your shoulder, watching someone else move your body. On a number of occasions (the most memorable being The Cinderella Incident), this monster seemed to try to kill you.
- At the beginning, this depression was surely your own. But over time, it faded, or it seemed to... from your main life. But sometimes it would come back, different and overwhelming and without cause. It never seemed to make sense, especially as you became happier. It felt like a depression that may belong to someone else.
- The few times you have been genuinely sad--crying in 7th grade back when you could, when you first started running away from home, when the roomies kicked you out of the apartment plans---have felt very different from the sadness you usually feel, if you get sad at all. Maybe you haven't been allowed to be present during times of sadness?
- Starting in college when you got your wigs, you dressed up as Juliana on a few occasions. Remember how that spontaneity felt. How she picked her clothes. How happy she felt when Starbucks said her name instead of yours, how she recoiled at bridging relationships and felt pride when people couldn't recognize you. That was real and existed far longer than you've been thinking up all this.
- You've tried binding a few times. Since when have you questioned your gender? You never have. You've been more than happen with femininity. But someone else sure hasn't.
- When you started letting Juliana move freely, you noticed things. He hates your girlish coat, your shoes, your purse. He hates seeing your face when she expects her own. He swears a lot more. He won't talk using your voice because it isn't his. Even the broadness of your shoulders seemed wrong. It was honest dysmorphia, you talked it over with Beck, it was very very real but not yours. You have never felt uncomfortable in your body. But someone was.
- Your pantophobia. Why did it come? Why did it leave? You never found out, but that terrifying way of interacting with the world--could you have created that? Did it belong to someone else?
- How many time have you created characters for Juliana? When creating self inserts you always had to make two. Two gemsonas. Two fursonas. Two personas when you drew yourself. You never questioned it, but your identity has always been fragmented.
- You're ace. But sometimes there was sexuality in you that never fit into your personality. It seemed excessive, unnatural, not fitting. Was that you?
- It doesn't have to be DID, you know. It can be DDNOS. It can be a fragment, unable to create a fully developed form. You could be co-opting a lot. Some alters can't front often. She could be a walk-in-walk-out. There are ways of explaining this.
- Nothing bad will happen if you are a system.
Life is good.
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