Panic Attack

 I lost my gloves for a while. I nearly put this message into tumblr:

'where the hell are my gloves?
I don't know how I lost them, they were RIGHT NEXT TO ME and now they aren't, I haven't moved for like 2 hours but they're gone
Now I'm freaking out I do not like this I don't want any new scars before marching band I am so stupid I hate this
I hate this I hate this where are my gloves
Mini panic attack I hate this'

I hate my fucking gloves hate my gloves need my gloves hate my gloves.

I found them soon afterward but I'm still in panic mode and I hate myself for being so damn dependent on these

And I hate how much I was going to worry people by posting that
Or how much I wanted to worry people
I mean I hate this part of myself, hate it, but I need people to know what I'm going through. Maybe because I know I can't trust myself to keep me safe sometimes. Maybe because I just want someone to be afraid for me. Maybe because I still haven't gotten over how terrible those 3 years were when I was dying every day and not one of my friends noticed.

My pain goes so easily unnoticed and it makes me think that if I were to slip away no one would care.

And now I've told most of them about what I went through and even about self harm, but no one asks me questions or wonders if I'm okay or picks up my little hints and it's like they have already forgotten how I'm breaking or are trying to ignore it so that they don't have to deal with me, and I hate that. Because I'm not worth fretting over. 

And that is the most egotistical thing ever but I can't help it, I'm an egotist and I'm selfish and I'm so afraid that no one cares about me and I'm going to die and no one will notice and no one will care and maybe they'll see me dead and hate themselves and wonder why they didn't do anything and

I hate that thought even more than not being wanted.

I just hate how easily I get hurt and cut up and scarred without my friend's notice.

And I hate how Rachel has been the only person in my life who checked up on me and made sure I was okay, and how even though everyone said she didn't care, she's been one of the only people to take a proactive stance in keeping me safe.

She's also the one that forces me to tell others and get help and not do stupid crap.

Maybe that's because she's been where I am and knows what works, meanwhile all my friends have no idea what to do with someone who is hurting and they get scared and don't want to make things worse.

But I've told them time and time again, that all I want is for someone to tell me 'I don't want to see you hurt, I don't want to see you dead'

and they nod and they understand but they never, ever tell me those things.

And I called my best friend and asked her if she would be sad if I killed myself or if I died, and she said "I guess," and "I think people would."

I know she just spoke like that because she doesn't know what to say in those situations, she told me that herself, but those are straightforward questions with easy answers and

I guess
I think

Damn it. I need something concrete from someone important.

I need someone to tell me not to hurt myself.
I need those words to be remembered when I'm about to do something awful.
I need that, even if you don't mean it, just say it.
I'm not sure how long denial and assumptions will keep me going anymore.
'I think they care' worked in seventh grade when I was optimistic and full of hope, but it can only take me so damn far.
I can only believe it so long until someone fucking tells me that they would actually care if I die, because so far the only things I've heard make me believe no one would give a fuck if I did.

Might as will give in.

....Damn it, I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate this dependency.

I am trying so, so hard to save myself right now, but no matter what I do, it's just....
ugh.
I'm tired.
I am so, so tired of chasing life when it doesn't want me back.

I am so goddamn tired of being the only one who cares. I am tired of being called selfless and kind and nice.
I want to be selfish. I want to be that selfish, whiny brat. I don't want to hide my words anymore, I don't want to think about how I might annoy someone or be seen as a bother, because goddamnit I am unhelathy and I am breaking and I NEED to be that person who asks 'do you care about me' because
I don't even know if anyone does anymore,

ASK ME. WHAT IS WRONG.
ASK ME. IF I AM OKAY.

Tell me if YOU ARE SCARED, YOU ARE SAD.

I want to know that my friends actually am happy if I'm alive.

Do I make a difference?
or would everyone's lives be exactly the same if I had never been here?

 .....I should talk to someone. But every time I try to think of how to bring it up, I can't.

I think I'm done panic attacking now. Wow, I hate myself. I still don't want to bother anyone with this.
How sad is it that i can't trust anyone around me to care, or I care too much for them to tell them.
Damnit.
I hate this.
.
EDIT:

The worst thing is, even if someone did tell me those things, I know it wouldn't fix anything.  It wouldn't make me happier. I'd continue being horribly, terribly sad from time to time. Depression is a part of me now. Even though I now have the ability to enjoy life, put most of my suffering behind me, got rid of the hyperventilation, crying, insomnia, and the worst of the self harm out of the way, I'll still think dark thoughts like this from time to time. The damage is irreparable.

But at least, if someone said it, I might treasure those words and keep myself from making anything worse.

I want to get through all of this, completely beat my self harming habits, and walk the world as an average person without all of this trouble and brokenness. But first, I need the proper strength.
.
Life is good.

Let's Make it More

Since I used this blog yesterday, I might as well use it today. What small phrases and vents will come from my head today?

This will be more drunken murmurs, meaning small reoccuring wisps of words that enter my head.
----

i.
How do I save you?

ii.
I hate having to wear my gloves to sleep.

iii.
Can I make something to truly make you happy? Do I bother you? Do I say 'I love you' too much, to the point that you don't take comfort from it anymore?
When I talk to you, who's heart am I trying to calm, your's or mine?
Do you become happier with my company?
I wish I knew. Not that I wouldn't continue doubting it if I did.

iv.
I try biting my nails, but they only get sharper, not shorter. They still manage to break through my gloves and continue to hurt me.
I see my gloves breaking, wearing down, wearing new holes and brokennesses that they hadn't had before. I fell like, when these gloves finally turn to tatters, I will fall apart with them.

v.
I wonder if I'll ever ever ever ever tell them.
Or more of, I wonder if when I tell them, would they ever ever ever ever ever love me.
I wonder if I would ever ever ever let that happen.
Damn it.

iv.
I feel like if I met them in real life, I'd most likely want to hug them. But if I did, I would become terrified, because they are so small and fragile, and I think I'd feel a pang of sadness in that.
And I imagine lying down together and just resting, happily, in relaxation, and I imagine putting an arm around them, but then feeling that small torso....
Last time I couldn't get my arm confortably around the girl, and now I'm scared to even imagine it. I want someone I can fit comfortably with.
I want someone I can hold with absolutely no difficulty.
(But then again, maybe difficulty is the key here?)

(I'll continue adding throughout the day if I have more troubles to write. let's see how many troubles one Me can accumulate in a day.)

Life is good.

Phrases that Enter My Head Too Often

 'I love you.'

'Destroy me.'

'Darling.'

'Damn it.'

'I hate this.'

'Kill me.'

'Please....'

'Love me.'

'Mean it.'

'Damn damn damn damn damn...!'

'I want to be your princess.'

'Please be okay...'

'I love this!'

'I love you.'

'I miss you.'

'I love you.'

'I  L o v e  Y o u'
  

Life is good.

Drunken Murmurs

 This would be a pretty damn terrible way to check up on me, seeing as I only update it maybe once a year or more (if that), and go through multiple phases in my life before I touch this. Each writing is a bit more outdated than the last. It will never really serve to teach anyone anything about me. But I am realizing this and figuring out it's a good thing. I never meant for anyone to read these, anyway. It's not like I've been explaining my little code words or references to events. This has been a way of explaining myself to me. Because I figure things out as I talk about them. So, this has never meant to serve others.... it only serves me. It serves my need to think and vent. And today, I need to vent.

I'm tired, I messed up my sleep schedule, and got to that point where I keep on wanting to say stuff that's stupid, so instead of saying it, I'll type it hear, where I don;t need to worry about embarassing myself. But just as a reference to future me, this post is a few months after I started using my gloves to stop the scratching. I am wearing them even as I type this.

Now, for those silly words in my head to finally be said so that I can sleep.
---

i.
How stupid is it that I would literally scream it to the entire world, but the one person I can't tell is you?

ii.
I don't think of myself as a 'girly' type, even though I definitely identify as a girl. I mean, i have my feelings, and I grow weak for romance stories, and I love cute things and whatnot, but I'm not your standard highschool girl. I don't wear makeup or search for clothes, I don't go to prom or post song lyrics as a status update....
But sometimes I want to run outside in my prettiest dress, and make myself small and curl into a ball, and cry until my face is red and say,
"I want to be your princess."

iii.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I love you so much I could die.

iv.
I keep holding onto these depressing thoughts, even though I have this life filled with happiness and joy and miracles and God and safety and security. And yet, I cling to these feeling of suffering--yes, I do have real problems, serious problems, but they aren't that bad, they aren't life threatening, so I don't have much of a right to keep in the 'troubled girl' mantra.

And yet, I do. Because I'm terrified of who I'll be when I'm not disturbed. Because there won't be any reason of you to take care of me. There won't be any reason to pay special attention of keep me close. There won't be anything obligating you to watch over me. You could leave. You could finally let go. But I'll still need you, even if I don't need help.

I'm not special anymore once I'm not depressed. I'm not worthy of your love.

I need someone to tell me that I'm important even when I'm not broken.
I need someone to tel me I'm important even when I'm 'normal'.
Why is it that others fear for not being wanted when they're living dead, but I'm terrified of being unwanted and normal?

I need someone to tell me I'm wanted even when I don't need to be loved.

v.
Am I okay?
Oh, my precious dear, my precious dear....
There is never a second that I'm not breaking.
I am breaking more with every single moment.

iv.
Did you know?
I call everyone 'dear', but I only call the one I love 'darling'.
 -----------

...I'll never have the courage to tell her any of these things. I'll go on being silent until I die.
Damn it.

----
Life is good.

Moving On

 It's been a while since Rachel broke up with me. I thought, since this was the third time, that I was used to it by now, but I guess I'm not. Before, I always assumed she would come back. IK never gave up on the notion that I was what she needed, and that I could help. I believed it was my ultimate purpose to save her, just like she saved me when I fell in love with her. It was a sign, I assumed. There was a grand meaning for my being in her life.

But this time, I knew it was different. I finally realized... Just because I mean well and am more than sincere, that doesn't mean I can fix anything. Once I realized I couldn't change anything... It was sort of hard for me to deal with. Breaking up with her, I was okay with that as long as she was happy, which is why I hadn't gotten upset before; but facing the truth that I didn't have some great, life-changing power, that was what upset me. I guess my pride was a lot more influential than I thought it was. But I really believed I was special in her life, not just to her, but in some big life order!

Well, I was special. Just like she saved me, I think I helped save her, too, just like I wanted to. Because she stopped cutting when we started dating. She struggled a lot, and I know sometimes she thought even my support wasn't enough... but I guess it was, because she's been clean for a year now. And that's something really special, and really important, but somehow..... I don't want my influence to end there. I didn't want to bring her life up to safety; I wanted to improve it past the point of contentment, and help her feel ultimate happiness. But I couldn't do that.

I guess I shouldn't complain--I mean, how could I? While still a bit unsteady, her life isn't in constant peril anymore; she may not have totally escaped her depression, but surely she sees a lot more happiness in her life. And I helped her reach that, I improved her life just by being beside her. And that's all I ever set out to do.

But I have realized that more often than not that many people come into your life to play one role, and when that role is done, they pass out of your life and take their importance with them, only leaving behind the lessons they helped you learn. And I feel life urging me away now. My role is through; it's up to someone else now to make her happy. I'm not sure I want it to be over, but I do know that it feels like the correct path now, and when I try to fight it, there's this discomfort.

After loving someone for so long, it becomes a lot more than just feelings toward a person; it becomes a part of you, too. It's part of my identity now: 'My name is Autumn, I have brown hair, I am an artist, I have a passion for teaching, I have my birthday in January, I am in love with Rachel.' Although I have been in and out of love more than once, it always feels criminal for an inherent part of my character to suddenly not be true anymore. I hate moving on. How could I have loved so sincerely and persistently for two years but just let go afterward? Couldn't I hold on forever, like I feel I should?

I used to imagine that I could never fall out of love with Rachel... This was special, much more special than any other time, because at least for a time it was mutual, and we created a deep, deep bond. I learned her inside and out, to the point where I could always tell what she was thinking and always understand her, even while I worried if she was hiding anything. We had a certain feel together, a new life. But now that I'm realizing the truth, and feeling life leading my ahead, I think that I'm actually beginning to move on. I'm not sure. But I think I'm letting go. (If my friends were to know, they would probably rejoice; that would hurt me dreadfully. Even if they hid their happiness, I would be able to tell.)

It's weird, feeling the loose, weightless freedom of not belonging to anyone or revolving around another person. I feel like there's nothing grounding me. But I think this is actually the right path, for once. I'm regaining what I lost when I was devoted to Rachel; I can find others attractive again, make jokes, think about the motives of others. That dire need for affection is lessening, at least a little. Still, I miss her; I miss all our happy memories.

We would sit together in a small, isolated corner on the top floor before a teacher this year told us we couldn't stay anymore (no one last year had said that; strange). I would often find every comfortable silence needing to be filled in order not to bore her (overthinking on my part), and would often go on and on about practically nothing. I would always worry I was boring her, but she would tell me,
 "Don't worry; if I wanted to shut you up, I would kiss you."

And she did use that tacit a few times, but barely ever. She was much to considerate for that, and far
 faithful. She always brought it up when I fretted over boring her. "You know how I would shut you up," she would say in a teasing manner.

It was really nice, like something out of a book. My days with her were always filled with magic and happiness, even in the midst of strife. I always knew what I wanted, and always knew my goal and my purpose. While the trails we faced were beyond difficult, life was easy. At least, living was. Each day couldn't come fast enough; I knew what I had to do and what I wanted accomplished. In contrast, the lethargy of now has managed to shake my foundation, but connecting myself with reality I've managed to create mental stability now.

For now, I have found enough small goals and improvement to hop between, at least until I find some greater purpose again. I can't live like Kate says and just live for the sake of reaching a new day; but for now, I'll be fine. I'm confident now. No more fear, no more tears, no more slips into depression.

I never would have learned any of this if not for Rachel. I guess she has played her part in my life as well; no matter what anyone says, I'll remember it all fondly, and refuse to take as anything but a life changing experience. In my heart of hearts, i know there will always be a part of me who still loves her, the one inside my memories; and that goes for the past two real loves as well. I will always love them in my reminisces. And that helps me move on and continue looking ahead and not behind at what I had, because I still have it. I haven't forgotten them. I'm just going where I will continue to grow.

I hope my next adventure is just as meaningful.
Life is good.

Apologies

I'm sorry I keep perpetuating something that will never happen.
I'm not sure why I keep doing that.
Especially when I would say 'no' anyway.
I'm sorry I keep bringing it up, and hoping you'll bring it up.
I'm sorry it means so much to me.

I'm sorry I keep harping on you and making you feel guilty.
I'm sorry I want you to feel guilty.
No, I don't want you to feel guilty. I want you to notice I want you to.
I actually want you to tell me you're  just joking and there's nothing to be guilty about.
I want you to reaffirm our bond and friendship, even though it's not your job.
I'm sorry I grate on you.
I'm sorry I get offended by your looks.
I'm sorry I don't believe in you.
I'm sorry I'm not confident enough in myself to believe I could continue to be your friend.
I'm sorry I put you through pain until I stop this.

I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.
I hope your happy now. Do you still remember me?
I bet you do. I sort of don't want you to.
I'm sorry I sometimes don't want to see you.
I'm sorry I'm a tempramental jerk.
I'm sorry you met me.
I'm sorry I met you.
But I am so, so glad.
You are such a great friend.
You deserve so much better than me.
Thank you for staying beside me.
I'm sorry I don't want you to be too close.
(Thank you for worrying about me. Please don't hurt yourself.)

I'm sorry I expect more of you.
I adore you.
Please be my friend.
 I'm sorry I expect you to notice my sandness.

I'm sorry I compare myself to you.
I'm sorry I don't feel confident in myself even when you say I'm better.
I'm sorry I can't act like you.
I think you're amazing. I want to be you.
I'm sorry I try to trouble you with my problems.
Your's are so, so, so much worse. Mine don't compare.
But they're still problems.
I'm sorry you have to hold two roles at once.
You're my best friend.
I'm sorry I try to change you for the better.
I'm sorry I care so much.
I'm sorry I keep worrying, even though you tell me not to.
I'm sorry I'll never listen.
Thank you for saving me.

I'm sorry I keep staring at you.
........///
I can't help it.


I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so, so sorry
Please forgive me don't forgive me
I'm so, so, so sorry
I'm sorry
Please
I'm sorry
Forgive me
It's hard enough for me to forgive myself.
(I'm so sorry)
(Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.)

I'm sorry I don't always listen.
I'm sorry I couldn't be who You're people say I should.
But I love You more than anyone and try to enact Your will, and that more than makes up for it.
Right?
I'm sorry I am quick to thoughts, but not words or actions.
Please tell me if I can improve.
I live only to please, and to serve.


I'm so sorry you're sad.
Each day you look a bit older.
A bit bitter.
A bit more disappointed.
I'm sorry you feel dejected.
I'm sorry I am not the most quick to the uptake, and fast to adventure.
I'm sorry I do not play your games and fall into your ploys.
Oh, how very strongly I wish I did.
We would both be so much happier.
......I'm sorry.
I'm so worried.
It's hard to show it sometimes, though.
I wish I was better at playing.

Do I have anything to apologize for?
If I do, I sincerely and genuinely apologize.
I don't ever want to make you sad.
I'll try my best to work as hard as you do.

I'm sorry I sometimes go off on you.
I don't hate you.
I really don't.
I just hate what you believe.
I detest it, in fact.
It makes my blood boil.
'They are lesser people', you say?
You compare me to those people--some am I a 'lesser person' in your eyes?
Is that why you cannot treat me as your equal?
I like you, respect you, hold you in high esteem--
So I'm sorry that there are times when I believe I despise you.
I don't!

I'm sorry I dream of you.

I'm sorry I'm such a good actor.
I'm sorry I expect people notice my pain.
I'm sorry I hold onto my dispair like a life rope.
I'm sorry I need people to know me.
I'm sorry I'm obsessed with affection.
I'm sorry I act out of line.
I'm sorry I don't measure up.
I'm sorry I hate.
I'm sorry I love.
I'm sorry I can not break my own addictions and habits.
I'm sorry I make people worry...
I'm sorry I wish I made people worry.
I'm sorry I hate mself, but
I'm sorry I love myself.
I'm sorry I can't escape my own head even to expand into the world.
I'm sorry that I rush outside and take 'me' with me.
It clings to me with every step.
I'm sorry that I am self absorbed.
I'm sorry I need to apologize to myself.

~-~-~-
(I feel like this is some sort of hell's Christmas list.
I probably won't remember who each paragraph represents by next year. But that's okay, I think.)

 Life is good.

An Analysis on Identity

I've realized recently how easily we can change what we are defined by, and how often I myself do it. During the summer, I am a marching bandie. I wear my marching band clothes, display my horn proudly, practice my steps. During school, I am an artist. When it comes to social issues, I am a bisexual and a gay rights activist. In my solitary moments, I am a Christain and a muscian, and with friends I am part of the Nerd Herd. Inside the realm of my memories, I am the sad one, the depressed one. During certain days or hours, I am the romantic. And now, ever since I've been volunteering at my old elementary school, I wear my visitor sticker to project my identity as a teacher.

It is so easy, just with what you wear or what you do, to completely change what you are identitfied with and how you are perceived by others. Whatever label you place on yourself or allow others to connect with you defines your identity. Often, we categorize people we know using these identities, these usually one word descriptors. And yet, how often do I change my own, depending on the time?

Is there such thing as a singular, all encompassing identity? Sure, there is certainly something that can sum up most of my attributes; if you were to label me Artist, it would be my drawing, writing, music, photography, cooking, and all the other creative pursuits I often strongly associate myself with. But it would be, at the same time, cutting out so much that makes me, me. Suddenly pacifist, dreamer, accepter, religious, needy, asthetic, socially awkward, foolish... All those other characteristic can not be put into one single description.

Is it fair, then, to categorize others by these descriptors? Am I not seeing all sides of them, all the different facets of them? And then, is it unfair of me to always wish someone knew who I am, understood me completely, when I am always changing what i define myself with? Honestly, as sad as it may be, I did not realize I was doing this, and so my expectations of others to know me were needlessly difficult.

I was talking to Rachel about how I realized, we don't really learn every aspect of a person in reality. Unlike in roleplaying, where you're always looking for an opprutunity to expose some part of your character's thought process, or background, real life isn't like that. You can go through an eternity with someone and not learn every single thing about them. This was also a new concept to me; that you may see signs of aspects people have that you may never learn the meanings to, or trigger them many times without knowing it, and make them feel special without ever realizing. There are parts of people that they will take to their graves. And realizing that, I also realize that it is that very fact that makes talking to people so interesting.  If there was a limit to how much you could know about someone, then it would be like in games, where you figure out everything they can say like leveling up and then move on.

I need to apply these observations to my own subconscious behavior. I need to stop expecting people to know every little thing about me, and being disappointed when I realize they don't. I need to stop giving out so much information about myself, believing my thoughts are so important that everyone should know them. I need to accept that things go smoother when I only give information that is asked about me. Narrow my doors a bit, and give others the chance feel curious and decide to open them. Bombarding others with information isn't deepening relationships; it's getting rid of the chance for others to make to conscious decision to want to know me better.

If I can somehow turn these thoughts into action, I'm sure I'd feel a bit more satisfied with my relationships. Now the hard part is doing it.

Life is good.